... more to come, I just wanted to wish everyone a fabulous New Year! Stay safe, kiddos!
**A few hours later**
I need to vent... is it too early to start drinking? Really, you have no idea how hard I am trying to not open the fridge and start pounding beer.
2009 is VERY bitter sweet for me. It's more like 95% bitter and 5% sweet. I would say 100% bitter but I am trying very hard not to view it as all negative.
2009 is approaching too quickly... much too quickly. It brings new beginnings but also new endings.
Basically, I am having to return to work.
I have so much hate, anger, fear and raw emotion running through me right now. I am sick to my stomach and the urge to throw something, yell, curse is becoming harder to handle. The ONLY thing that is keeping me sane is little Baby J. He looks up at me with his huge, toothless grin and makes me cry and smile at the same time.
Even though I have been home since his birth, I have had the added stress of still continuing to work from home. So instead of really enjoying the time with me and him, I have been stuck to this damn laptop... continually checking my work email, contacting my clients and trying to keep my numbers up. Well, since the down economy my numbers are not great. Sales are very demanding and when pretty much half of your client base is laid off, what does one person do? Stress.
I am now viewing my job as evil. I want to say Fuck It, turn in my resignation letter, hand over my lap top, clean my desk out, say a few quick goodbyes, never look back and be done. However, my boss has been very understanding of my situation and has not complained once to me about my job performance. He has worked with my schedule for the past 4 months and has been so supportive of my health: before and after.
And while this may come back to bite me in the ass... I *secretly* hope that I will be laid off. This may seem selfish to some but in my little head I am 100% thinking of my little bundle of joy.
He needs his mama. He needs me to rock him to sleep for nap time, he needs me to make his bottles, he needs me to read stories to him, he needs my face to smile at... and I need him just as much!
And while I would never bash Marc for his choices, unless they were life threatening, I cant help but to feel so much anger towards him, too. I look at him and feel that he is not "allowing" me to stay home with our child. And by "allowing" I mean he is very capable of supporting this family. He works very hard and never settles for second best. However, he is showing me different. I'm not going to get into his situation as it would be unfair for him and really no one needs to know that much detail, but I am angry - very angry.
So I am scanning around for nannies, day care's, anyone and I am becoming bitter. I am going to be writing a check every month for someone else to care for my child. I will be sitting at work all day long wondering if he is being taken care of the way I would do it. I dont want a stranger touching him, holding him, kissing him, I dont want to miss his little similes, the day he rolls, the day he busts out laughing, the day he says his first word, the day he can sit... it's not fucking fair. It doesn't seem right.
